"What Really Matters"

Mireya Navarro of the New York Times writes about Ina Chadwick and the tough time she is going through. However, it is not her own heartache, it's her daughter's. “You live through your child’s divorce,” said Ms. Chadwick. You grow very close to both sides of the family. You build a lifetime bond that you think will last forever. "Marsha Temlock, a retired family counselor in Westport, Conn., said her initial reaction to the divorce announcement of one of her two sons five years ago was, how could you divorce this wonderful girl? For months she fielded calls from the son and the daughter-in-law like a “switchboard operator,” she said, letting their divorce monopolize her life." Ms. Temlock eventually let go, but for Ms. Chadwick it was not that easy.

According to Andrew Cherlin, "Parents today are not only more involved in their adult children’s lives but they are also living longer and more active lives. "It’s much more common for adult children to have their parents still living when they divorce.” As you grow older, certain situations tend to affect people in a more personal way, allowing for it to bother them for a while. Aside from it being tough on the parents, they still find a way to help out their children. Ms. Chadwick and her second husband took out a reasonable sized loan to help their daughter and two sons keep their house. They did have lifetime plans, but they had to put them on hold to help their daughter. They said it was worth helping out their family. At the end of the day, it's family who matters the most!

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"Grandparent Rights"

Grandparents and grandchildren have very different relationships depending upon the family bond the parents have uplifted. I luckily have both sets of grandparents still alive and I am very thankful for that. According to divoresource, "Within the past decade or two, there have been dramatic changes to what was once a very traditional relationship between grandparents and their grandchild(ren). It's a shame that some children can't get along with their grandparents. After going through such a hard time with their parents going through the divorce, you'd think they would want someone to lean on.

A large percentage of grandparents have petitioned the court in the hopes of obtaining a regular visitation schedule with their grandchild(ren). Who knew the grandparents had to go through all of the pain and agony as well. There are two basic rights with repsect to grandparents and their grandchild(ren): custody and visitation. "Custody would be the legal rights and obligations consistent with that of the taking on the full-time parenting and rearing of the child(ren). This decision requires a major commitment on behalf of the grandparents and, if the parents are not willing to voluntarily surrender custody, the blessing of the court." I knew it would be a process for the parents, but not for the older generation.

"Visitation would be where the court sets a specific schedule of time that grandchild(ren) are to spend with their grandparents. Again, the actual applicable laws vary from state to state, so it is very important to understand exactly which of these laws do and do not apply to your own particular situation. It is wise to seek the advice of a lawyer, or, perhaps more cost effectively, conduct a little independent legal research." Not only does the child have to go through doing the "every-other-weekend" with their parents, but also make time for their grandparents. According to Marie Purnell and Beatrice H. Bagby, "Before 1965, a common law, granparents had no rights to visit their grandchildren over the objections of the childrens's parents. Since that time, every state in the nation has enacted statutes that endable grandparents to petition the courts for visitation rights." I'm glad things are changing. Maybe this will allow for children and their grandparents to connect on a more personal level. Having someone else to rely on may be nice during a time like this. Don't ever shut anyone out, you need the people you the love the most there for you!

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"Growing Up Online"

Rachel Dretzin and John Maggi's video (2008), "Growing Up Online" shows how many teens are using their spare time on the internet and how parents work themselves up over this. It touched base on all the negatives about the internet, but nothing about the positives. If it weren't for the internet, we wouldn't have all the communication capabilites that we need and have now. We wouldn't have the resources we need to get our everyday work done.

If it were any normal parent watching this video, it would scare them like crazy. Always wondering what their kids are doing, what they are looking at, who they are talking to, etc. The internet is capable of causing a lot of damage between families, I guess that may be one reason why parents are so uptight about what their teens are doing on the computer and why. However, it shows how much parents don't know. As Thersea has stated, "It shows the huge gap between the teens and their parents."

I agree with what Professor Daniels has linked in her blog, "We need to start thinking about our kids less as victims and more as participants." Parents are quick to think we are doing something bad on the internet. Sometimes that's all you can expect from certain teens, but not everyone is alike. Parents need to trust their kids, not consider them victims of the internet. If we were all on the same level, maybe things wouldn't be as difficult for parents to understand. Technology today is booming and it is hard for parents to keep up. I know my mom and dad are still getting the hang of things, my mom quicker than my dad. I am personally not a victim of using the internet in inappropriate ways. If I was do you think I'd help them become more accustom to my bad habits?

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"One Laptop Per Child"

Nicholas Negroponte's speech on giving one laptop per less fortunate child at the cost of $100 has thrown me for a loop. Negroponte's mission statement is as follows: "To create educational opportunities for the world's poorest children by providing each child with a rugged, low-cost, low-power, connected laptop with content and software designed for collaborative, joyful, self-empowered learning."

I feel as if it has its advatnages and disadvatnages. Everyone should have their own, limited access to the internet. The internet is not only a social network, but is also used for work-related projects. Children at such a young age, however should not have all the access they want to whatever is on the internet. Thersea makes a very interesting point in her blog. Are we that desperate to be giving children of such young ages lap tops they may destroy?

There are much more serious problems in the world than being able to give children lap tops. That money can be used in other important areas. According to CNN, “If we could get all the children in the world -- 1.2 billion of them between 6 and 12 -- to have a connected laptop that would be success. Roughly, half of those children have no electricity at home or school. The poverty is so extreme, and the environmental conditions are so extreme, we have to focus on them." This can't be considered a good thing. Right now the economy is so bad, that money should not be thrown away on something as little as this. Should we be buying lap tops or buying the natural resources that everyone may need or want? I feel as if there will be many different opinions on this topic, but when it comes down to it we have to consider what is more important in order to survive the harsh world we live in!

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"Peace At Home"

Getting a divorce is one thing, opening up to a whole new lifestyle is another. You become immune to your family lifestyle. It's all habit and routine; you don't want to let anyone new in. But, when one parent isn't happy and files for a divorce, most of the time you need to be prepared for someone else to "take their place." It has to be hard to watch someone you love walk away and watch someone else come in to try and compete. For this one family, times are tough, but they are trying anything to become one.

Claudia Copquin and Glen Ames are both divorced parents of several children. They have hired a family therapist to work out their issues. Small issues like if one kid gets queen-sized beds, shouldn't the others get the same? Arguments like this will arise a lot. The smallest things will irritate each individual. It's either one kid is mad, all of them are, or they are all teaming up against one one another. Hypothetically, the oldest should be treated the best and get everything they want. Jealousy obviously is the biggest problem for the two families. It's something they will all have to overcome eventually. "Studies show that people who remarry with their eyes wide open, who educate themselves on the issues, and/or get therapy--their chance of success is greater," says Dr. Adler-Baeder.

Becoming one is something that will never happen with what I'm going through. If this whole situation was gone about the right way, maybe. The "ideal" divorce would be that things just simply didn't work out. Cheating or sneaking around is crossing the line. The woman or man doesn't deserve any respect along the lines of family. It's something that will haunt them forever. People forgive, but they never forget!

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"The Second Life"

Before the internet was even thought of, communcation was limited. Back then, they didn't have all the access they wanted or needed in order to find someone, talk to someone, or simply look something up. Who would have ever thought that the internet would be used for social life: dating, friends, family, etc? Today the internet has been said to break up couples, cause fights, and even lead to divorce. It has been considered to be the "second life" for many couples. Allowing either the woman or man to search the internet to find something or someone to satisfy their needs. Sadly, for this British couple the internet took a turn for the worst.

Amy Taylor a.k.a DJ Laura Skye (20) and David Pollard a.k.a Dave Barmy (40) met in an internet chatroom. She moved all the way from London to be with him Newquay, North Cornwall. Like any other couple, their relationship started out great, having fun as a new couple in real-life and cyberspace. In the second life, they were two completely different people. They dressed differently and found themselves acting differently as well. However, one afternoon when Amy woke up from a nap she found David watching his virutal world character having sex with a prostitute.

As a result, Taylor ended their online relationship, but stayed together in real life. Taylor wanted to test Dave Barmy's character and Pollards loyalty by turning to a virtual female private eye called Markie Macdonald. He passed this test and Barmy and Skye got back together in the virtual world. In the virtual world and real life, they got married. Everything was back to as planned. Taylor sensed something was wrong though. Dave Barmy was chatting affectionately to a woman who was not Laura Skye a.k.a. Amy Taylor. It got so hard for her that she filed for an actual divorce. Taylor said, "People find love in lots of different ways." Pollard admitted that he was having an on-line relationship with an American woman and said that he didn't think it was anything serious or that he didn't do anything wrong.

All men say that it's never that serious or they didn't think they did anything wrong. David R. Hall states, "Contrary to the popular belief that living together before marrying is an effective way to reduce a couple's chance of divorcing, major studies in several Western countries show that couples who cohabit prior to marriage have a significantly higher risk of getting divorced than couples who do not cohabit before marriage." Living together before marriage can be a good and bad thing. A good thing because it allows for the couple to spend more time together to see if they're really ready for this. A bad thing because things already may be good enough and as time goes on they might get sick of eachother. For this British couple, things may have already been good, but David Pollard's addiction to this "second life" was something Amy Taylor couldn't tolerate. No woman or man should have to compete with something that doesn't exist at all!

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"Internet vs. Divorce"

The internet has its advantages and disadvantages. It opens people to a whole different world. It allows for people to communicate through email, instant messaging, facebook, myspace, etc. What people don't see is it's disadvantages. In the case of divorce, internet is said to be breaking up couples because one spouse is having an affair in a "second life." Other than what has already been mentioned, there are so many other opportunities open to each spouse. Opportunities in which sometimes they feel vulnerable or put themselves into sticky situations.

Couples become suspicious by hacking into eachother's emails or other online accounts. According to Brad Stone's Tell-All PCs and Phones Transforming Divorce article, "Divorce lawyers routinely set out to find every bit of private data about their clients’ adversaries, often hiring investigators with sophisticated digital forensic tools to snoop into household computers. Recently, I have just heard more and more stories about couples hiring private investigators to further look into what they consider being "sneaky." If you truly love the one you are with, you'll go to any level to save the relationship.

A lot of couples like to explore the internet. Some may have accounts on singles sites, have email accounts that are unknown to their spouse, or may be catching up with "old friends." Either way, this is not okay. In my previous blog I stated that honesty is everything. Stone stated in one case, a man suspected that his wife was having an affair. "Instead of confronting her, the husband installed a $49 program called PC Pandora on her computer, a laptop he had purchased. The program surreptitiously took snapshots of her screen every 15 seconds and e-mailed them to him. Soon he had a comprehensive overview of the sites she visited and the instant messages she was sending. Since the program captured her passwords, the husband was also able to get access to and print all the e-mail messages his wife had received and sent over the previous year." After what he found, he ended his marriage. For 11 months, she has been seeing another man.

The internet allows for access to anything. If it weren't for the many capabilities given to this woman, their marriage may still be standing today. If you compare the divorce rates now to the divorce rates before the internet was introduced, I feel as if they would be significantly different. People today take advantage of the ability to hide things and this is a big cause of why so many people are getting divorced. Hopefully people learn the true meaning of love and find out that the internet is not the way to find it.

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"The Secret Life"

Honesty is key in any relationship. Typically, being married is suppose to be one of the happiest times in your life. There is no reason to hide anything. Lies always snowball, you tell one lie then you have to tell another lie to cover up the original lie. Usually while going through a divorce it's hard to hide your assets if you have a good attorney. However, there are some cases where overseas or off-shore accounts can be disguised. Cash is the best way to hide excess money. Here eleven examples of how bending the law works at its best:

1. Collusion with an employer to delay bonuses, stock options or raises until after the divorce. You might find this information by taking the deposition of your spouse's boss or payroll supervisor, but more likely you'll need a forensic accountant.
2. Salary paid to a nonexistent employee. The checks will be voided after divorce. Again, you might find this information by taking the deposition of your spouse's boss or payroll supervisor, but you'll probably need a forensic accountant.
3. Money paid from the business to someone close--such as a father, mother, girlfriend or boyfriend--for services never rendered. The money will no doubt be given back to your spouse after the divorce is final.
4. A custodial account set up in the name of a child, using the child's Social Security number.
5. Delay in signing long-term business contracts until after the divorce. Although this may seem like smart planning, if the intent is to lower the value of the business, it is considered hiding assets.
6. Skimming cash from a business he or she owns.
7. Antiques, artwork, hobby equipment, gun collections and tools that are overlooked or undervalued. Look for lush furnishings, paintings or collector-level carpets at the office; income that is unreported on tax returns and financial statements.
8. Debt repayment to a friend for a phony debt.
9. Expenses paid for a girlfriend or boyfriend such as gifts, travel, rent or tuition for college or special classes.
10. Investment in certificate "bearer" municipal bonds or Series EE Savings Bonds, which do not appear on account statements because they are not registered with the IRS. (The government is phasing out these bonds, realizing that it is losing a lot of money..
11. Cash kept in the form of traveler's checks. You may be able to find these by tracing bank account deposits and withdrawals.

According to William M. Michaelson, "In most instances, effective searches require analyzing numerous financial documents and specific transactions, reviewing public and private records and discovering relationships and patterns among the data that indicate the existence of additional assets."

Relating this to a personal situation, I am currently in Florida for softball with my parents who are going through a divorce right now. Brining this topic up in front of them definitely started a heated conversation, but surprisingly they agreed at the end of the argument. Something like this they both said would never happen. "Whats mine, is yours!"

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"The Impossible--Agreeing in Divorce"

You thought agreeing while married was hard, how about in the midst of divorce when anything you discuss with your ex-spouse can never be agreed upon? There are several aspects of divorce that have to be agreed on, but a major part of it is ownership of property and debts. Who gets what when this is all over and done with? It's common for a couple to take it into their own hands, but if they can't come up with an agreement they take it to court and the judge will be the deciding factor.

There are two ways ways in which court chooses to divide up property: equitable distribution or community property. Equitable division are assets and earnings are divided fairly between the two. Often two-thirds of the assets go to the higher wage earner and one-third to the other spouse. Community property is when the entire property is owned equally or just by one spouse. Usually, the property is divided evenly, while each spouse keeps their own separate property.

Here are some rules to distinguish between community property and non-community property: community property includes all earnings during marriage and everything acquired with those earnings. State property of one spouse deals with gifts and inheritances given just to that spouse, personal injury awards received by that spouse, and the proceeds of a pension that vested before marriage. Property purchased with a combination of separate and community funds is part community and part separate property, so long as a spouse is able to show that some separate funds were used. Seperate property mixed with community property generally becomes community property.

Personally, I am not experiencing any of this right now and I hope it doesn't come to that. Decision making for the two of them isn't the easiest. Let's hope that agreeing after the divorce will be easier then during marriage!

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